:(

 Here I go again, feeling sad. I should be so excited and happy, looking forward to the new path I've created for myself post-graduation (one application in and I got the job! ONE AND DONE as they say) except why am I sad? Because I have no idea what to do about the whole miscommunication/anger/rudeness between me and SQ. It started with not really talking after we graduated, but it was kind of like, why talk? Nothings really going on, etc. And days turned into weeks until she texts me on a Thurs inviting me to her family's graduation party, which at the time, I didn't know if I could go to because of work, but I said I missed her, we should catch up, blah blah blah. No reply. In fact, no reply until the next Thurs, after the party's happened, after Jon tagged them all at her house, after 4th of July parties.......none of which I was invited to. Period. So I didn't text her back because I was hurt/sad, and then I forgot about it.........until she texts me saying she'd never heard back and that she would drop of the pse&g check at my house.

Here's where I probably made a mistake - I apologized and said dropping it off was fine. I was still mad, ok!? But I know I should've tried to make plans, but then I didn't because why. Why keep trying to fix something? Why keep trying to be friends with someone who's caused so much heartache the past year? I don't want to stop being friends with her. I know this. But......do I always have to be the one who figures things out? Reaches out?

My mom says her relationship with some of her friends is like that, and you just basically have to want it enough. Should I just step up and facebook message her? I know she can do the same, but she never will. Ever. I know this. Ughhhh part of me doesn't care but part of me does :((((((((((( I wish more than aaaanything that I had a glass of wine right now. For the record I'm alone in m new apartment in Newark, my roommate isn't here here (she's definitely somewhere in Newark I think though since she's from Florida) and I just feel sad. Super sad. Tired. Lonely. Unloved. I'm worried about this job, I'm worried if I'm good enough, I'm worried if I'll BE good enough..... I spent all summer wanting this job and I have it and now I don't want it solely because I'm scared. And I ALSO spent all summer mad/vengeful at SQ and now idek why I was or why she has yet to talk to me/stopped talking to me/we stopped talking. I guess I'm a bad person? And I know its bad but I want her to fail. Even when she was my friend, I wanted her to fail. You know how you usually want someone to succeed, do well, etc? I took relish in her failure, and you know what, maybe that's why this died. We never had that much in common except our hatred of other people and guess what? We eventually hated different people. I mean, the bitch defriended HER BIG on facebook. Really? REALLY?? And couldn't even give me a courtesy to like my new job? FUCK, JP of allll gdamn people liked it. JFC. So yeah, I hope her roommates end up hating her, I hope she gets feet blisters and sunburn, I hope she can't find a job after the college semester program is over AND if she doesn't speak to me again, I'll live with it. I'm 22 years old, I've got a life to live, and I'm gonna fucking live it.