french_silk

my stomach is cramping right now, and i know that means I'm anxious about something. Let's review:

in my first year of the PhD program, trying not to cry/die
3 papers due soon, one of which is technically past due by two days now and I never officially got an extension, so that's something
yes, something awful
I'm super poor right now. Idk how it really happened, but i know its all my fault. I overspend, I don't budget well, and now here i am, just got paid yesterday and am down to bscly zero dollars after paying off my rent, loan, etc
I'm going to be working at 100% time this summer, so I won't really have a break and i'm sad about that really
my cohorts getting drinks tonight and I only half want to go. mostly don't want to bc I'm poor and can't really afford it. I'm trying to think of ways to get out of going but idk, i said I'd be there

I'm feeling better about my place here, but I miss having someone to just be real with, to step away from conversations about work and goals and just talk about shitty people/professors/classes/concepts and not be judged, or feel this pressure to be perfect, say the right thing

I know to a certain extent I put this pressure on myself but its not random, its coming from somewhere. i think its from the spaces i'm in and this need to be perfect, this perfect half-black half-white person who's smart and funny and beautiful and Going Places

and inside i just feel like this chubby, mixed girl who tries to hard and hardly speaks bc she doesn't want to sound stupid and has no idea which road she's on, let alone where she's going.

I'm grappling with my identity and who I am everyday, and I think this tension is really causing this disruption in me. I feel fractured, disjointed, a tear ripping through the very fabric of who I am and it needs to be reset, repaired.

I'm trying be happy. Take each day as it comes, eat healthier, appreciate the sun, smell the air, live life with a light and open heart, but it's hard sometimes. I'll lie in bed and stare at the ceiling until my eyes are blurry with tears, the pressures of the world, of my constructed world, weighing on my mind, a fist around my heart, tension taking root in my shoulders and back... and in those moments I just imagine how easy life would be if I wasn't in it.

Current Mood: anxious

Here I go again, feeling sad. I should be so excited and happy, looking forward to the new path I've created for myself post-graduation (one application in and I got the job! ONE AND DONE as they say) except why am I sad? Because I have no idea what to do about the whole miscommunication/anger/rudeness between me and SQ. It started with not really talking after we graduated, but it was kind of like, why talk? Nothings really going on, etc. And days turned into weeks until she texts me on a Thurs inviting me to her family's graduation party, which at the time, I didn't know if I could go to because of work, but I said I missed her, we should catch up, blah blah blah. No reply. In fact, no reply until the next Thurs, after the party's happened, after Jon tagged them all at her house, after 4th of July parties.......none of which I was invited to. Period. So I didn't text her back because I was hurt/sad, and then I forgot about it.........until she texts me saying she'd never heard back and that she would drop of the pse&g check at my house.

Here's where I probably made a mistake - I apologized and said dropping it off was fine. I was still mad, ok!? But I know I should've tried to make plans, but then I didn't because why. Why keep trying to fix something? Why keep trying to be friends with someone who's caused so much heartache the past year? I don't want to stop being friends with her. I know this. But......do I always have to be the one who figures things out? Reaches out?

My mom says her relationship with some of her friends is like that, and you just basically have to want it enough. Should I just step up and facebook message her? I know she can do the same, but she never will. Ever. I know this. Ughhhh part of me doesn't care but part of me does :((((((((((( I wish more than aaaanything that I had a glass of wine right now. For the record I'm alone in m new apartment in Newark, my roommate isn't here here (she's definitely somewhere in Newark I think though since she's from Florida) and I just feel sad. Super sad. Tired. Lonely. Unloved. I'm worried about this job, I'm worried if I'm good enough, I'm worried if I'll BE good enough..... I spent all summer wanting this job and I have it and now I don't want it solely because I'm scared. And I ALSO spent all summer mad/vengeful at SQ and now idek why I was or why she has yet to talk to me/stopped talking to me/we stopped talking. I guess I'm a bad person? And I know its bad but I want her to fail. Even when she was my friend, I wanted her to fail. You know how you usually want someone to succeed, do well, etc? I took relish in her failure, and you know what, maybe that's why this died. We never had that much in common except our hatred of other people and guess what? We eventually hated different people. I mean, the bitch defriended HER BIG on facebook. Really? REALLY?? And couldn't even give me a courtesy to like my new job? FUCK, JP of allll gdamn people liked it. JFC. So yeah, I hope her roommates end up hating her, I hope she gets feet blisters and sunburn, I hope she can't find a job after the college semester program is over AND if she doesn't speak to me again, I'll live with it. I'm 22 years old, I've got a life to live, and I'm gonna fucking live it.

Oh hey again.. I'm back.

And things are weird. And crazy. Not sure how I feel about myself. I.. I don't even know if I like myself anymore. These things happen to me, so bear with the following stream of information:

1. Ever since I can really remember myself and what had dogged my mind as a girl, is the want of someone I could call my boyfriend. I could hold him close, tell him things I held close to my heart, surprise him with presents, have him surprise me with my own. Have a date to weddings/family functions/parties. Lose that fucking V card (yeah, I'll admit it) and just... have someone to hold my hand.

The details aren't even that fucking specific. He just.. has to like me. And while I've come to realize there are a lot of people who "aren't my type," I'm of the mindset that flirting and flattery will you get everywhere (just, probably not my pants. Yet.)

How am I doing??? Let's look at the record:

Sam asked me out junior year of highschool. I said no. Because I'm a dumbass.
Flashforward to freshman year of college, and I develop this fantastically enormous crush on the QB of our football team. Yeah, destined to fail.
Sophomore year, fall semester: first hookup with a guy who ended up with a girlfriend. Womp womp.
AXP party, hookup with a guy dressed as a lion/tiger? (I forget). Good, but went nowhere. Obviously.
Winter break, Hookup with some guy ironically named Sam who I hope to never see again bc it was quite possibly one of the most awkward times of my life.
Junior year: first real night out, hot hookup with this guy from Rider. No name, but thats absolutely fine.
A few weeks later, hookup with this black guy on Halloween briefly.
Then nothing.

Nothing.

I developed a huge crush on this kid Craig who texted me a bit, as well as this guy Jon, but thats a can of worms I threw away. And then theres Joe, who's unreadable and kind of definitely not my type. But if he liked me, the attentions nice.

What it all really adds up to is NO BOYFRIEND. NONE. ZILCH. NADA. NOTHINGGGG.

And now my bff has one who has consumed her entire life. I feel left out. Lonely. I have no means to go anywhere, no money to do anything, and I feel unwanted.

On top of this I hate how fucking overweight I am, but that may be a whole nother issue I will not delve into right now, since I considered becoming anorexic for a while.

I don't know if life wants me, but I definitely don't want life right now. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to feel fat. I don't want to WANT something so much and have it never come. Never. Come.

I just hate myself. And I can't relax. I hate sleeping.. I feel like I'm missing something.

But oh wait, no one's inviting me anywhere. Yayyyy.

Sometimes I wonder why me and SQ are friends. We are SOO fucking differently politically to the point its obnoxious sometimes, and she can be self-centered, and really awkward. Part of me wishes she never came to my school. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't know some of the people I do now, but its just.. I felt like it was mine. And not only did she enter it quickly, she quickly got a bf, who I'll call AHOLE. And it means exactly what it means.

He and I get along for the most part, and tbh, part of me wasn't sure if he liked me a little once or twice, but he's all about Steph to the point I don't even really want to be with them together alone. I feel 3rd wheely, and I don't like it. AHOLE can go back to his fucking New Brunswick rock.

Ok so maybe I'm upset he's stealing my friend from me, but my plan of action is to let it happen. Pledging definitely set Steph and I apart for a bit, but I'm just not as fond of her as I used to be. But then I think: Who else do I have?? And thats when I think about how fucktastic my life is. Has always been.

I feel like I'm going nowhere. And I won't lie, sometimes I wish it would all just fucking end. JUST FUCKING END. And take me with it.

Because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I don't want to live in a world where I'm alone and friendless and partnerless.

Maybe I need help? WTFever. Maybe I just need sleep.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: All of the Lights - Kanye West

So... remember that old story for the Kradam Madness challenge I was supposedly doing? And remember how I finished it and never got a beta? And now its six months later, still unbeta'd, and never posted to the challenge? Well, here it is. Finally. And unapologetically. I haven't edited it since the last time I did in like, October, and it's my first one, but it could be worse. And now, without further ado:

Title: Closer to Fine
Author: french_silk
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~4800
Disclaimer: Sweet little lies.
Warnings: None
Prompt: via Jerakeen: Adam is the singer at Kris and Katy's wedding, where he mistakes Kris for someone else and accidentally kisses him, which causes Kris to reevaluate the whole marriage idea.
Notes: Title from “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls

Summary:

Really, it was all Nora Ephron’s fault he was kissed in the first place.

He’d been ready. After a yearlong engagement; wedding plans that came together so easily Kris was convinced Katy had a fairy godmother working behind the scenes; and a bachelor party that, though small in size, more than made up for that in enthusiasm, he was ready.

( And then he watched When Harry Met Sally. )

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: mi casa

I don't want to lose a friendship.

This entire weekend my stomach's been in knots. I feel like Mel is mad at me, but what was I supposed to do? Ange is a stubborn woman, and even if I had talked to her about leaving the house, what could I have done if she said no? Threw down? Pushed her out into the street?

Uh, no.

One, because I honestly would probably never assault someone unless it was in defense of myself. And two, because Ange is honestly one of my best friends at TCNJ. So, this is what happened:

"Ange, Brianna doesn't want you in the house.. You guys don't get along, so its probably for the best if you pull out."

To me: "But my other close friends have their deposits in already.. Why should I back out just because one person doesn't want me here? Can't we all just live together? If you guys didn't want me to live with you, why the fuck did you invite me in the first place?"

"Ange, its not that I don't want to live with you, its Brianna, who already has her deposit in, which you haven't given."

"Well, I planned to hand it in tonight."

...

IDEK. Fuck. Since this, since Ange handed in a deposit, Mel & Brianna "are definitely living on campus" blah blah blah. WTF. I hate this, and honestly? Sometimes I hate the gdamn drama that always, some way or other, ends up surrounding me. UGH. I haven't talked to Mel all weekend, since the whole housing drama on Friday, and she texted me tonight asking to get lunch with me tomorrow before our 1230 class.

Of course I said sure. What am I supposed to say? I don't want to lose her as a friend when I did pretty much all I could do to "not" get Ange to stay in the house. So in theory I shouldn't (like my mom said), but I'm still worried. I was bawling on Friday after we went out because I hate thinking/knowing someone's mad at me. It just blows. Just... I hate it. I hate this so. fucking. much.

I'm just gonna be honest at lunch tomorrow. I mean, that's honestly all I can do. And we'll see what happens.

womp womp. What a lame sauce entry, huh? Especially considering I haven't written anything for like six months. Whatevs. Love ya Dreamwidth.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Price Tag - Jessie J

The story has a title. It may not have a beta, but it has a title.

It's legit now, really. :)

What else... oh. I'm 99% sure I have a non-curable skin condition known as Keratosis Pilaris Alba.

Basically - patches of skin on my right forearm are producing too much kerotonin and "plugging" hair follicles, creating these rough, awkward bumps on my skin. It's actually really gross, but I'm lucky since mine don't cause any irritation, and its not even that large of a patch. So.

And its genetic. Oh mom and dad, I knew with everyone in my family having a skin condition - mom and brother have bad eczema, my sis has a little patch on her face, my dad on his neck - it would have been weird if I got off skin-problem free, right? Especially since my acne/pimple sitch was never horrible (thank god). But I also thought my whole "everyone has skin problems" thing came when I was diagnosed with like, partial vitiligo (loss of skin pigment - once again, a few random patches that don't bother me) or whatever.

Apparently not.

ANYWAY. I guess I'll go ~~to sleep~~ now. And I guess I'll have to figure out a way to exfoliate this "chicken skin" - seriously, that's like, the perfect description of what this is. I have to moisturize this shit like nobody's business after a shower, seriously.

Tomorrow: Edit the story. Purchase "The Colorado Kid" on my mom's nook. Complain about my KPA. Rookie Blue (amazing. I'm in love with Ben Bass, who's 41 and just totes my type... if I have a type? IDK. I'd do him. UNFF) and thennn maybe post? Sigh. C'est la vie.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Perfect - Hedley

Posting!fail again, I know. Anyway, I've been back for a few days haha - and yes, I was paid! And their uncle wasn't there, which was probably for the best, since it was his poor decision to leave that canister of acid in the shed with the floaties in the first place. IDK, that could've been an awk apology.

( Click for TL;DR about life, music, etc. )

( And your daily dose of Kradam. . . )

Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Worry About You - 2AM Club

LOL, it's been a few days, huh? Let me go away for a week with no real Internet access and yes, this is what you get. It was really for the best though, since I think I was getting a little too attached to the wonders of Microsoft and technologies' crazy accomplishments.

So. How was it? Crazy. Awesome. Annoying. Fun. Painful. Frustrating. Delicious.

(None of the above adjectives may make much sense out of context, so I'll try and explain them a bit.)

( A list... of sorts. )

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: I Wana Love You (Akon Cover) - The Maine

So, I'm definitely not going to see Glam Nation this time around :( (argh, it still irks me. Thank goodness for YouTube. Seriously).

But. This weekend's shaping up to be amazing, if I can hype it up already? Haha. My friend's little sister is turning 16, and they're throwing her a bash at their hugeee lake house, and I'm along for the ride as a "chaperone" along with my friend :) So, I am excite. Four nights away from this crazy family that I have lol.

Also - *knocks on wood* the story is coming along swimmingly.

( Click for descriptions. Or something. )

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Can't Stand It - Never Shout Never

So I was perusing the prompt post yesterday and saw this posted by

jerakeen (whose work I absolutely love) -

Adam is the singer at Kris and Katy's wedding, where he mistakes Kris for someone else and accidentally kisses him. Which causes Kris to reevaluate the whole marriage idea. Once they talk it over, all cards on the table, he and Katy realize they're doing it because it's time and not because they really want it, and they call it off.

Adam feels like shit. Until he gets to kiss Kris again. Then it's all good.

( Brain. Tingling. )

Current Mood: giggly
Current Location: Mi casa

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french_silk

June 2016

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Love never fails.

Recent Entries

of worried hearts and tender thoughts

:(

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.

Fic: Closer to Fine

womp womp :(

I research too much /o\

Long rambly post is long and rambly

recap!post

Lake House!Weekend plus Kradam

Possible wedding!fic in the works?