french_silk: (Default)
 Oh hey again.. I'm back.

And things are weird. And crazy. Not sure how I feel about myself. I.. I don't even know if I like myself anymore. These things happen to me, so bear with the following stream of information:

1. Ever since I can really remember myself and what had dogged my mind as a girl, is the want of someone I could call my boyfriend. I could hold him close, tell him things I held close to my heart, surprise him with presents, have him surprise me with my own. Have a date to weddings/family functions/parties. Lose that fucking V card (yeah, I'll admit it) and just... have someone to hold my hand.

The details aren't even that fucking specific. He just.. has to like me. And while I've come to realize there are a lot of people who "aren't my type," I'm of the mindset that flirting and flattery will you get everywhere (just, probably not my pants. Yet.)

How am I doing??? Let's look at the record:
  • Sam asked me out junior year of highschool. I said no. Because I'm a dumbass.
  • Flashforward to freshman year of college, and I develop this fantastically enormous crush on the QB of our football team. Yeah, destined to fail.
  • Sophomore year, fall semester: first hookup with a guy who ended up with a girlfriend. Womp womp.
  • AXP party, hookup with a guy dressed as a lion/tiger? (I forget). Good, but went nowhere. Obviously.
  • Winter break, Hookup with some guy ironically named Sam who I hope to never see again bc it was quite possibly one of the most awkward times of my life.
  • Junior year: first real night out, hot hookup with this guy from Rider. No name, but thats absolutely fine. 
  • A few weeks later, hookup with this black guy on Halloween briefly.
  • Then nothing.

I developed a huge crush on this kid Craig who texted me a bit, as well as this guy Jon, but thats a can of worms I threw away. And then theres Joe, who's unreadable and kind of definitely not my type. But if he liked me, the attentions nice.

What it all really adds up to is NO BOYFRIEND. NONE. ZILCH. NADA. NOTHINGGGG.

And now my bff has one who has consumed her entire life. I feel left out. Lonely. I have no means to go anywhere, no money to do anything, and I feel unwanted. 

On top of this I hate how fucking overweight I am, but that may be a whole nother issue I will not delve into right now, since I considered becoming anorexic for a while.

I don't know if life wants me, but I definitely don't want life right now. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to feel fat. I don't want to WANT something so much and have it never come. Never. Come. 

I just hate myself. And I can't relax. I hate sleeping.. I feel like I'm missing something.

But oh wait, no one's inviting me anywhere. Yayyyy.

Sometimes I wonder why me and SQ are friends. We are SOO fucking differently politically to the point its obnoxious sometimes, and she can be self-centered, and really awkward. Part of me wishes she never came to my school. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't know some of the people I do now, but its just.. I felt like it was mine. And not only did she enter it quickly, she quickly got a bf, who I'll call AHOLE. And it means exactly what it means.

He and I get along for the most part, and tbh, part of me wasn't sure if he liked me a little once or twice, but he's all about Steph to the point I don't even really want to be with them together alone. I feel 3rd wheely, and I don't like it. AHOLE can go back to his fucking New Brunswick rock.

Ok so maybe I'm upset he's stealing my friend from me, but my plan of action is to let it happen. Pledging definitely set Steph and I apart for a bit, but I'm just not as fond of her as I used to be. But then I think: Who else do I have?? And thats when I think about how fucktastic my life is. Has always been.

I feel like I'm going nowhere. And I won't lie, sometimes I wish it would all just fucking end. JUST FUCKING END. And take me with it.

Because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I don't want to live in a world where I'm alone and friendless and partnerless.

Maybe I need help? WTFever. Maybe I just need sleep.

french_silk: (hearts)
So... remember that old story for the Kradam Madness challenge I was supposedly doing? And remember how I finished it and never got a beta? And now its six months later, still unbeta'd, and never posted to the challenge? Well, here it is. Finally. And unapologetically. I haven't edited it since the last time I did in like, October, and it's my first one, but it could be worse. And now, without further ado:

Title: Closer to Fine
Author: french_silk
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~4800
Disclaimer: Sweet little lies.
Warnings: None
Prompt: via Jerakeen: Adam is the singer at Kris and Katy's wedding, where he mistakes Kris for someone else and accidentally kisses him, which causes Kris to reevaluate the whole marriage idea.
Notes: Title from “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls


Really, it was all Nora Ephron’s fault he was kissed in the first place.

He’d been ready. After a yearlong engagement; wedding plans that came together so easily Kris was convinced Katy had a fairy godmother working behind the scenes; and a bachelor party that, though small in size, more than made up for that in enthusiasm, he was ready.

And then he watched When Harry Met Sally. )
french_silk: (Default)
I don't want to lose a friendship.

This entire weekend my stomach's been in knots. I feel like Mel is mad at me, but what was I supposed to do? Ange is a stubborn woman, and even if I had talked to her about leaving the house, what could I have done if she said no? Threw down? Pushed her out into the street?

Uh, no.

One, because I honestly would probably never assault someone unless it was in defense of myself. And two, because Ange is honestly one of my best friends at TCNJ. So, this is what happened:

"Ange, Brianna doesn't want you in the house.. You guys don't get along, so its probably for the best if you pull out."

To me: "But my other close friends have their deposits in already.. Why should I back out just because one person doesn't want me here? Can't we all just live together? If you guys didn't want me to live with you, why the fuck did you invite me in the first place?"

"Ange, its not that I don't want to live with you, its Brianna, who already has her deposit in, which you haven't given."

"Well, I planned to hand it in tonight."


IDEK. Fuck. Since this, since Ange handed in a deposit, Mel & Brianna "are definitely living on campus" blah blah blah. WTF. I hate this, and honestly? Sometimes I hate the gdamn drama that always, some way or other, ends up surrounding me. UGH. I haven't talked to Mel all weekend, since the whole housing drama on Friday, and she texted me tonight asking to get lunch with me tomorrow before our 1230 class.

Of course I said sure. What am I supposed to say? I don't want to lose her as a friend when I did pretty much all I could do to "not" get Ange to stay in the house. So in theory I shouldn't (like my mom said), but I'm still worried. I was bawling on Friday after we went out because I hate thinking/knowing someone's mad at me. It just blows. Just... I hate it. I hate this so. fucking. much.

I'm just gonna be honest at lunch tomorrow. I mean, that's honestly all I can do. And we'll see what happens.

womp womp. What a lame sauce entry, huh? Especially considering I haven't written anything for like six months. Whatevs. Love ya Dreamwidth.
french_silk: (Default)
The story has a title. It may not have a beta, but it has a title.

It's legit now, really. :)

What else... oh. I'm 99% sure I have a non-curable skin condition known as Keratosis Pilaris Alba.

Basically - patches of skin on my right forearm are producing too much kerotonin and "plugging" hair follicles, creating these rough, awkward bumps on my skin. It's actually really gross, but I'm lucky since mine don't cause any irritation, and its not even that large of a patch. So.

And its genetic. Oh mom and dad, I knew with everyone in my family having a skin condition - mom and brother have bad eczema, my sis has a little patch on her face, my dad on his neck - it would have been weird if I got off skin-problem free, right? Especially since my acne/pimple sitch was never horrible (thank god). But I also thought my whole "everyone has skin problems" thing came when I was diagnosed with like, partial vitiligo (loss of skin pigment - once again, a few random patches that don't bother me) or whatever.

Apparently not.

ANYWAY. I guess I'll go to sleep now. And I guess I'll have to figure out a way to exfoliate this "chicken skin" - seriously, that's like, the perfect description of what this is. I have to moisturize this shit like nobody's business after a shower, seriously.

Tomorrow: Edit the story. Purchase "The Colorado Kid" on my mom's nook. Complain about my KPA. Rookie Blue (amazing. I'm in love with Ben Bass, who's 41 and just totes my type... if I have a type? IDK. I'd do him. UNFF) and thennn maybe post? Sigh. C'est la vie.
french_silk: (Default)
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still keeping in touch with people from high school that I hate.

Yeah, I'm going there today. )

Kradam. )
french_silk: (Default)

So, I should probably explain that when I said I was jumping in, apparently I meant I was tucking myself into a ball and leaping off the highest platform into the deepest area of the Kradam pool.

Metaphors are my friends, yes? )


french_silk: (Default)

June 2016

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