french_silk: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kh2rac/ (hearts)
[personal profile] french_silk
 my stomach is cramping right now, and i know that means I'm anxious about something. Let's review:
  • in my first year of the PhD program, trying not to cry/die
  • 3 papers due soon, one of which is technically past due by two days now and I never officially got an extension, so that's something
  • yes, something awful
  • I'm super poor right now. Idk how it really happened, but i know its all my fault. I overspend, I don't budget well, and now here i am, just got paid yesterday and am down to bscly zero dollars after paying off my rent, loan, etc
  • I'm going to be working at 100% time this summer, so I won't really have a break and i'm sad about that really
  • my cohorts getting drinks tonight and I only half want to go. mostly don't want to bc I'm poor and can't really afford it. I'm trying to think of ways to get out of going but idk, i said I'd be there
I'm feeling better about my place here, but I miss having someone to just be real with, to step away from conversations about work and goals and just talk about shitty people/professors/classes/concepts and not be judged, or feel this pressure to be perfect, say the right thing

I know to a certain extent I put this pressure on myself but its not random, its coming from somewhere. i think its from the spaces i'm in and this need to be perfect, this perfect half-black half-white person who's smart and funny and beautiful and Going Places

and inside i just feel like this chubby, mixed girl who tries to hard and hardly speaks bc she doesn't want to sound stupid and has no idea which road she's on, let alone where she's going.

I'm grappling with my identity and who I am everyday, and I think this tension is really causing this disruption in me. I feel fractured, disjointed, a tear ripping through the very fabric of who I am and it needs to be reset, repaired. 

I'm trying be happy. Take each day as it comes, eat healthier, appreciate the sun, smell the air, live life with a light and open heart, but it's hard sometimes. I'll lie in bed and stare at the ceiling until my eyes are blurry with tears, the pressures of the world, of my constructed world, weighing on my mind, a fist around my heart, tension taking root in my shoulders and back... and in those moments I just imagine how easy life would be if I wasn't in it.

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