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[personal profile] french_silk
 Oh hey again.. I'm back.

And things are weird. And crazy. Not sure how I feel about myself. I.. I don't even know if I like myself anymore. These things happen to me, so bear with the following stream of information:

1. Ever since I can really remember myself and what had dogged my mind as a girl, is the want of someone I could call my boyfriend. I could hold him close, tell him things I held close to my heart, surprise him with presents, have him surprise me with my own. Have a date to weddings/family functions/parties. Lose that fucking V card (yeah, I'll admit it) and just... have someone to hold my hand.

The details aren't even that fucking specific. He just.. has to like me. And while I've come to realize there are a lot of people who "aren't my type," I'm of the mindset that flirting and flattery will you get everywhere (just, probably not my pants. Yet.)

How am I doing??? Let's look at the record:
  • Sam asked me out junior year of highschool. I said no. Because I'm a dumbass.
  • Flashforward to freshman year of college, and I develop this fantastically enormous crush on the QB of our football team. Yeah, destined to fail.
  • Sophomore year, fall semester: first hookup with a guy who ended up with a girlfriend. Womp womp.
  • AXP party, hookup with a guy dressed as a lion/tiger? (I forget). Good, but went nowhere. Obviously.
  • Winter break, Hookup with some guy ironically named Sam who I hope to never see again bc it was quite possibly one of the most awkward times of my life.
  • Junior year: first real night out, hot hookup with this guy from Rider. No name, but thats absolutely fine. 
  • A few weeks later, hookup with this black guy on Halloween briefly.
  • Then nothing.

I developed a huge crush on this kid Craig who texted me a bit, as well as this guy Jon, but thats a can of worms I threw away. And then theres Joe, who's unreadable and kind of definitely not my type. But if he liked me, the attentions nice.

What it all really adds up to is NO BOYFRIEND. NONE. ZILCH. NADA. NOTHINGGGG.

And now my bff has one who has consumed her entire life. I feel left out. Lonely. I have no means to go anywhere, no money to do anything, and I feel unwanted. 

On top of this I hate how fucking overweight I am, but that may be a whole nother issue I will not delve into right now, since I considered becoming anorexic for a while.

I don't know if life wants me, but I definitely don't want life right now. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to feel fat. I don't want to WANT something so much and have it never come. Never. Come. 

I just hate myself. And I can't relax. I hate sleeping.. I feel like I'm missing something.

But oh wait, no one's inviting me anywhere. Yayyyy.

Sometimes I wonder why me and SQ are friends. We are SOO fucking differently politically to the point its obnoxious sometimes, and she can be self-centered, and really awkward. Part of me wishes she never came to my school. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't know some of the people I do now, but its just.. I felt like it was mine. And not only did she enter it quickly, she quickly got a bf, who I'll call AHOLE. And it means exactly what it means.

He and I get along for the most part, and tbh, part of me wasn't sure if he liked me a little once or twice, but he's all about Steph to the point I don't even really want to be with them together alone. I feel 3rd wheely, and I don't like it. AHOLE can go back to his fucking New Brunswick rock.

Ok so maybe I'm upset he's stealing my friend from me, but my plan of action is to let it happen. Pledging definitely set Steph and I apart for a bit, but I'm just not as fond of her as I used to be. But then I think: Who else do I have?? And thats when I think about how fucktastic my life is. Has always been.

I feel like I'm going nowhere. And I won't lie, sometimes I wish it would all just fucking end. JUST FUCKING END. And take me with it.

Because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I don't want to live in a world where I'm alone and friendless and partnerless.

Maybe I need help? WTFever. Maybe I just need sleep.


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June 2016

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